Okay, I am NOT a techie. I barely use any apps.

However, that all changed recently, and I have an app that I will be torturing my family with by posting screenshots of, and they will be dying of embarrassment and asking why I have to share such things. Um, hello…it’s been almost 13 years, and you are asking that NOW?

So, a couple weeks ago, I was very moody and crying for no reason. Well, there MIGHT be a reason– it’s called someone being a sore loser and harassing me and being litigious, but I can’t talk about THAT.

So, instead of thinking THAT could be the cause of my moods, I turned to Pat and said, “When am I supposed to get my period?!?!? Maybe it’s my period!”

Pat replied, “I have no idea when you are supposed to get your period.”

My first thought was, “IF HE EFFING LOVED ME, HE’D KNOW THAT!!!” (Irrational moody Joyce coming out to play).

Pat then followed up with “Is there some period app on your phone that you can track that shit with?”.

Hmmmm…let’s check! Why yes, there are a LOT of period apps! Score.

I downloaded this gem:

Check it out–I just tap a bar when my period starts, and the FUN begins!

So, check out the calendar–FUN TIMES! So, I just showed it to Pat and announced I am going to be ovulating tomorrow, and very fertile on the 12th. So, I quote, “No fucking on Tuesday unless you double bag that thing.” I am so romantic.

The next screen is kind of boring. I mean, my life is not so pathetic that I will track if I am spotting or the speed of my flow. Come on. Although, it could be fun to go to the gyno with such an abundance of info and open up the app and give WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY more info than they need.

The Symptom screen made my day. Um, the constipation one is PRICELESS!

Let’s not fool myself here–the MOODS screen is going to be my most fun. I am black and white. I need two icons, that it is–“turning cartwheels” happy, or ” I am fucking going to kill someone” livid. That is me. (And again, in reference to any litigious assholes out there–the previous sentence is no way a specific threat against anyone. If it was, Pat would be the first in line filing TRO’s, so save yourself the legal fees.)

I so look forward to filling out all these little graphs, and being able to track when I should be happy, should be PMSing, and being able to pull out my phone to check and see if today is a good day to have sexy time or not. I highly anticipate anytime Pat wants to start something, I pull out my phone and point out the brown bottle sign for constipation is on today’s calendar, and really, do you want to tap that?!?!?!?

In fact, I might make that my profile picture on Facebook just to make it easier than whipping out my phone and showing him.

I was just going to wrap this up with a witty endutation, and noticed the sign for “tender breasts”…WTF?!?!?

And while I was waiting for the screenshot of the tender breasts to show up in my email, I was still fixating on the “constipation” graphic…and wondered if there was an app to track bowel movements (I am so ladylike…I know).

SWEET JESUS…SCORE!