Okay, so a month ago, I posted on Facebook and asked my friends what were their best solutions for losing weight and getting in shape. Since I have been in direct sales for over 12 years, of course, I was told about every shake, pill, and magic bean I could buy from them to do so. A handful of my friends suggested the WORSE plan–working out and eating healthy foods.

I did some research, and did some reflection. Three years ago, I lost 60 pounds by staying on a 500 calorie a day diet. Don’t lecture me how unhealthy it is, I looked amazing, so that’s all that counts, right? It didn’t matter that I wanted to gnaw my own bunions off and snack on them, and was a total bitch because I was starving. But when you get off that diet and eat like a normal person, BAM. Let’s just say a lot of it came back. Not all, but more than enough to make me pretty bitchy. I get bitchy when I am starving, and bitchy when I look like shit. So, basically…well, you can fill in the rest of that thought.

So, I am huge on addressing excuses and taking them away. Why CAN’T I work out? Well, because I hate sweating, and I need to be in some class to pace myself against someone, My competitive nature kicks in and I have to be “the best”. So, logically, a class would be great. We have belonged to the Y for over 13 years, at $81 a month. Go there, take some classes.

Uh, NO. I was not going to be the fattest/oldest/most out-of-shape person in the class. Not happening.

Then I had an epiphany…

WATER AEROBICS!!!!

It’s perfect!! I would certainly NOT be the oldest…and NOT be the fattest…and I am sure those 75 year old women were in worse shape then *I* was. That HAD to be the case.

Great. Now, what to do about the eating? Suck it up cupcake, and just stop eating processed crap. Okay. Can try that…

I decided to do shakes in the morning, after class. Ohhhhhhhhhhh, I sense all my direct-selling friends leaning forward, pissed, wanting to know WHOSE shakes I am buying, because I didn’t order from THEM. Well, guess what? Here’s my shake recipe…I throw some FRESH FRUIT, almond milk and chia seeds in my Nutri-Bullet, mix that sucker up–and that is my shake. Sometimes I throw in a spoonful of Greek yogurt or all-natural, organic, fresh-ground peanut butter.

I posted on FB that I was trying something new, and I would let everyone know the results in two weeks. My “something new” was water aerobics at LEAST one class a day, five days a week. Several days, I do multiple classes. And I drink my shakes. Great game plan. I was ready to inform everyone that I discovered this novel concept–WORKING OUT and eating healthy makes you lose weight. I was so damned excited.

So, I went to class…first, let me tell you something…the old ladies who work out in the class, as opposed to the old ladies who stand in the shallow and have their kaffeeklatsch time in the pool, kick some serious ass. I mean, they come every day, have their own gear, and actually swim laps afterwards, They are hardcore, and not to be messed with. And, the old ladies in the front row yick-yacking the whole time will shank your ass if you accidentally splash them because they “get their hair do done once a week and it has to last.” Yes, I splashed them–by accident. And heard about it. Loudly.

So, after a week, I decided to get my own gear. I get skeeved out by wearing things other people work out in. So, I bought my own water shoes, webbed gloves, water barbells and best of all, a flotation belt. Why the flotation belt? I can’t swim. And you get a better workout in the deep when you have to use your core to help stay afloat.

I came to class the following Monday all decked out in my own stuff, looking like a pro. I put my barbells on the edge of the pool, in the deep, and jumped in with my new shoes, gloves, and flotation belt. I was going to kick ass, and make this the best workout ever.

Five minutes into the workout, I felt like I was sinking. Then I realized I was not up to my shoulders like usual, in the 10 feet deep water, but actually up to my chin and fighting to keep my mouth above water. What the ffffffffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck? Let me point out at the time that my flotation belt comprised of six large black foam blocks  spread around a blue mesh belt. As I was sinking, I noticed a bunch of black things floating around me, and the old lady behind me says, “Hey, I think your belt is breaking.” I look around, and the damned thing literally fell apart, I have two blocks still around my waist, and I can assure you, that is not enough to keep one flabby bat-wing above water, much less my whole body….

I am in 10 feet deep water, can’t swim, with black blocks floating all around me, and still trying to look somewhat cool, which was a challenge. The blocks had split in half, so I had 8 pieces to gather up, get to the side, all while attempting to not drown and keep doing my rocking horses and jumping jacks.

Apparently, the genius child labor in China grabbed the wrong glue and used water soluble glue on my aqua belt. UGHHHHHHHHH.

Okay. Back to using the Y’s flotation belts and working out.

End of two weeks…and I gained SEVEN POUNDS. Gained seven GD pounds. I was so pissed. Don’t tell me it’s muscle. That doesn’t make me feel any better. Nonetheless, I am going to stick to it, because MAYBE it’s muscle and I will see a difference soon. Okay.

In the meantime, I did some math. We have had the membership for 13 years, at $81 a month. I did 10 days of classes and gained seven pounds. That’s $1263.60 per class…$1805.14 per pound I gained. If I wasn’t depressed enough.

Okay, so again, I am sticking with it. This morning, I decided to take the bananas that had fruit flies circling them on the counter, put them in my Nutri-Bullet, along with a cup of blueberries, a whole bunch of chia seeds and some almond milk. I turned that sucker on, and (because I always multi-task), I ran to fill the dog bowls with their breakfast.

I came back to a purple sludge coming out of the bottom of the Nutri-Bullet, running along my counter. UGH. This happened once before when the gasket seal-thinigie wasn’t in right.

I unscrewed the cup from the beater thing and started rinsing off the beater thing off. I noticed the Nutri-Bullet thing was full of purple sludge as well, so on auto-pilot, I stuck that under the running water.

Did you know, if you are holding onto an electrical appliance that is plugged in, and you stick it under running water, it LITERALLY will knock you on your ass with a shock a million times worse than licking a 9 volt battery? Truth.

HOLY SHIZNIT. Uh, let me tell you, it hurts…and then you might also, when being knocked to the ground, knock over your breakfast as well.

So, upon reflection, I am thinking God is giving me a sign that I am fine just the way I am, and maybe to cut my losses while I am still alive.

By the way, Pat was at church when this all happened. He barely batted an eye when I told him what all went down. I am kind of insulted he wasn’t shocked that I was so stupid to stick that thing plugged in under running water. He just started making his own breakfast and then said, “Hey Joyce, the toaster needs cleaning–want to run it under some water?”