So, recently, Pat bought some bagels and cream cheese. I have been trying to diet, but in a fit of PMS-ing, I got sick of spinach cakes and langostinos and decided I NEEDED a bagel with a ton of cream cheese on it.

I went to the fridge, pulled out the bagels and started toasting one. In my diet-delirium, I start fantasizing about how amazing it was going to taste, while I rummaged through the fridge for some cream cheese.

To my horror, I discovered he bought VEGETABLE cream cheese. Who the hell does that??? Honey and walnut is BY FAR better, and I would even settle for just plain, but VEGGIE?!?!?!

I will tell you who the hell does that…a man who knows his wife detests vegetables, and would probably avoid it like the plague.

Well, let me tell you all something…when you are in a diet-delirium, coupled with raging PMS, you will basically smear shit on your bagel, if that is what you are craving. So, I ate the veggie cream cheese on my bagel, and it actually wasn’t as bad as I thought. So, the next morning, I had it again. And again the next morning. (Yeah, the diet is not going well, if you haven’t figured it out.)

Saturday, Pat went to make himself a bagel, and I heard him yelling from the kitchen, “Hey, who the hell ate all my cream cheese?!?!”

Well, considering two of us live there, and the dogs and cats don’t have opposable thumbs, one guess, asshole….

I yelled back that *I* did. He groaned and said he didn’t think I would eat it. I then yelled at him that I KNEW he intentionally bought veggie, thinking I wouldn’t touch it, but I did, and his asshole logic didn’t succeed.

Well, fast forward to this morning…I went in the fridge…there are new wheat bagels–GREAT, MY FAVE. I looked around for cream cheese. Great, brand new container right next to my favorite bagels. Then I looked closer…CHIVE AND ONION. I immediately retched and Pat was standing there laughing. He then informed me that he intentionally bought chive, knowing I REALLY hated it, and he’s going to enjoy MY favorite wheat bagels with it slathered on. All he’d have to do is throw some raisin bagels in the mix, and I’d be back to spinach cakes and langostinos by 9:30 AM.

Don’t be shocked if you read a news story soon about a 50-year-old man who choked to death on raisin bagels smeared with chive and onion cream cheese. It’s a distinct probability possibility.