And it’s not because I am trying to honor my “healthy eating” diet….

So, tonight, I went to water zumba class…and before I get into the “this shit only happens to ME” diatribe, let me give you the lay of the land at the Y. The Y has basically two pools–the “family” pool, which has a play area for kids, a lazy river, and the therapy pool, all inter-connected. This pool is ten degrees warmer than the “competitive pool”, which is where most of the classes I attend is, along with the lanes where people go to actually swim laps.

I learned a trick from the old ladies–the competitive pool is VERY cold, so it’s easier to go into the family/therapy pool first, get used to that, and then jump into the competitive pool, and it’s not as big of a shock to your system.

So tonight, Melissa and I show up for water zumba, which is supposed to be in the family/therapy pool. Well, there were some swim lessons going on in that pool, so we assumed our class was moved to the competitive pool. We ATTEMPTED to get used to that pool, step-by-step, but I only managed to get up to my knees–it was miserable. In the meantime, all the ladies came into the competitive pool and started getting ready for class.

I notice that there were two minutes until class time, so I suggested to Melissa that we run into the family/therapy pool, which was now empty, jump in, and then run back to our class. She questioned if there was enough time. I said yep, two minutes–we’d be FINE–just jump in and run back.

We went to the other pool, and jumped in. As we did, the instructor ran over and was waving her arms frantically, and said, “NO!!! Class is in the other pool!” I told her I knew that–we just wanted to get used to the water. Two life guards signalled for us to get out, and I said, “WE ARE!!! WE JUST WANT TO GET USED TO THE WATER EASIER!!!” I was a little miffed they were telling us to get out now. But, okay….

So, we went into the competitive pool, and as we walked in, the instructor said, “You must be a mom”, and I asked her, “Why?”….

She replied, “Well, poop doesn’t bother you.”

WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!?! Um, yeah, poop DOES bother me.

She then went on to tell us THAT is why the class was moved and the other pool was EVACUATED. Someone POOPED in the pool!!!

I yelled, “Next time there is ever POOP in the pool, please don’t say ‘Class is over here’–SCREAM ‘POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP’ at me please.”

She said, “Oh, I figured you knew and poop just didn’t bother you!”

Um, NO–I have never even changed a DIAPER in my life, I informed her. POOP does bother me. A lot.

So, basically, Melissa and I warmed up in a damned toilet. And all I kept thinking all throughout class was about that scene in Caddyshack…you all know the scene….

Yep. And now my eyes are burning because I am convinced I have e-coli fecal germs in them and I will wake up with “poop eye”…

So, what did I learn tonight? When a pool empties out quickly, STAY the fuck out of it. Period.